Falling into Wonderland...

Shaping up, shipping out and jumping ships all together.
As I sit here once again completely exhausted and pondering my life choices at various hours of the night, I decide that I am forever done with the mind games. I am quite good at a few games; UNO, Twister and Pictionary are my strengths, mind games never were. After months of late night conversations and days full of anticipation of the first move, I am officially done. Once my gentleman fellow and I hit the six month point of flirty text messages and semi-drunken blunders I lost all hope. There is only so much a girl can take before she has to abandon ship. No real commitments, no strings. I hated everything about the potential relationship we were building, but I stuck it out because of your kind eyes and sly smile. However, I have learned that no amount of kisses on the forehead or late night “I miss you’s” can make up for the fact that we don’t have a real, concrete relationship. Months of waiting and hoping that you would wake up and grow a pair for seemingly nothing. I get that you are emotional damaged or socially incompetent, however you want to put the spin on your inability to communicate like an adult is up to you, but it’s emotionally draining for me to have to pick up the slack for you on a consistent basis.
If there really is/was no relationship prospect than you should have manned up and told me that months ago, instead you played the best set of mind games I have seen since high school. Basically shutting me out for weeks and then throwing me a personal story every so often so I don’t stray is one of the best strategies I have seen in a long time. Of course I am not blaming you entirely, I take half of the responsibility in this situation. I am a sucker for a lost cause, a cute smile and a reassuring hug that could protect me from all the dangers of the outside world. As if it isn’t obvious from this rambling, I would still get together with this particular gentleman in a heartbeat. Sad and pathetic? Yes. Hopelessly romantic? No. There is nothing romantic about this hopeless situation. Even as I sit here writing this, feeling slightly more empowered and in control of the situation than I was a mere fifteen minutes ago, I am slightly hoping that you will send me the text that I need in order to stay well, hopeful. By this time tomorrow there will be no shaping up, I wouldn’t even ship you out for you are capable of knowing when it’s over, I will just be jumping ships entirely. Maybe this time it will be smooth sailing with someone who knows when they are ready to drop anchor.

Letting Go or Giving In?

We all bring quirks and personal baggage into a new relationship, and of course in order to have it be successful most of those traits leave or are compromised. But how much of a relationship is letting go and not giving in? How much do we, as women, give up parts of who we are in order to become who we are expected to be within the relationship? 
Say your boyfriend is the kind of guy that wants to settle down and start a family, but you aren’t completely convinced that is for you; do you stick it out and accept a proposal with doubt or move on to someone that might not compliment you the way he does? Why is it that in a relationship we are the ones who are supposed to compromise or change our beliefs, ideas or traits? 
Are we ever letting go or is it always giving in? Do we ever really let go of the parts that make us unique or are we just giving in and getting rid of them so we can continue the relationship? Do you really lose parts of who you are willingly or are they taken away? 
In my experience I have always given in, never once have I willingly let go of one of my quirks. I have been in four relationships, two of which were serious, and have never had to not give up a part of myself. I have dealt with some of the most difficult personalities and the most unreadable moods, and never once gave the ultimatum to those guys to change. However, I have never been awarded the same. Although none of these guys straight out said that I needed to change, it was always apparent. In order to make sure that my relationships were successful I changed and hoped for the best. But it was never worth it, after a while I always started to resent the guy for assuming that I would change who I was for them. No one should ever expect you to change who you are. 
So now as I sit here reflecting on my past experiences I cannot help but to think that I am happier single being myself than being who I was expected to be with any of them. Whether you are letting go or giving in, you are still losing a valuable part of yourself. And no person is worth losing yourself for.